Back in Action!

Written by Max Bricker

Penthouse Sports

Andrew Luck

And we’re back! I hope everyone enjoyed a happy Holidays and had a merry Christmas, and that you are stoked to be reading our articles again. Man, has it been a long time; it has never felt so good to write again. I have been working hard over the past two weeks, but I was still able to follow the important information and watch some great- and not so great- sporting events. Over the past two weeks I have been constantly fighting the urge to get on the laptop and speak my mind about relevant sports topics; it was one of the most difficult things I have had to do. I now know what Vince Wilfork must feel like when he goes three days without eating a box of donuts- the withdrawals are terrible.

To get back in the swing of things, I first want to recap on what I missed talking about over the past two weeks, then I will go back to covering the daily happenings/stories. Here are some things that come to mind, and they all tie together:

-I realize that you are most likely tired of me gloating about the Denver Broncos, my favorite team since the age of 3. I know that you know that they are good, but I don’t think you know just exactly how good they are. In all my life I have never been more confident that my team will go all the way than this year’s Bronco squad- they are the most balanced team in football. Here are some outstanding statistics: The Broncos are 2nd in offensive scoring, 4th in offensive yards, 5rd in defensive scoring, and 3rd in defensive yards. No other team in football in football can match those numbers, and no other team can beat the Broncos right now- they have won ten games in a row. To add to their numbers, I GUARANTEE the Broncos will make a Super Bowl appearance IF they win the number one seed. That can happen if the Broncos beat the Chiefs (why did I even say if?), and if the Texans fall to the Colts in Indianapolis. That game will be the return of Head Coach Chuck Pagano, so expect the Colts to win one for the Gipper.

-Speaking of the Colts, how terrible is Andrew Luck? The Colt’s QB is 31st in passer rating among teams’s best starters, only beating Jake Locker. The Colts may be 10-5 and on their way to the playoffs, but don’t think that Andrew Luck is the prodigal son that is putting the team on his back- Luck is barely completing 50% of his passes and has thrown 18 INTs, nearly matching his TD total. Here is a statement I never want to hear: “His stats may not be the best, but he is winning ball games. That’s all that matter.” This is absolute bullcrap! That is the same argument that was used for Tim Tebow last year and yet he still was ripped to shreads (at least he didn’t cry like Lolo Jones). Tebow was criticized more than any QB in NFL history, and yet still won games with terrible stats; he even won a playoff game. When Luck does the same thing he is glorified and thought to be the best QB ever, it is sickening. Also, I still cannot get over the fact that Andew Luck sounds like he has a handful of marbles in his mouth when he speaks, even Chris Johnson is easier to understand in post-game interviews.

-Speaking of rookie QBs, how good is Russell Wilson? I have been backing RG3 all year for Rookie of the Year, but Wilson has changed my mind. In his last three game he has put up 150 points, and just shredded the flaunted 49ers defense on national TV for 42 points.The NFC is lucky that the Seattle offense didn’t start hitting on all cylinders until a month ago, otherwise they would control home field advantage. If the Seahawks played their playoff games in Seattle I would have no doubt that would play in the Super Bowl against Denver. Meanwhile, San Fran better hope that they rebound from that hideous performance.

-Speaking of terrible performances, what happened to the Fresno State Bulldogs? After finishing 9-3 and Co-Conference Champs, the Bulldogs were looking forward to a pre-season top 25 ranking for the 2013 season. Then they played their bowl game in Hawaii on Christmas Eve, and they got absolutely spanked by SMU. I know that Deene Souza wanted me to cover the game in my first article back, but does she still want that? That game was flat-out ugly, and Derek Carr got walloped all day by SMU defensive end Margus Hunt. Margus is from Estonia, and he might be the next J.J. Watt- the guy is 6’8″ and 280 lbs, and he is an absolute beast.

-Speaking of ugly, what happened to the character “Beans” from the Disney show Even Stevens? I am not sure why I found him on google image several days back, but I wish I wouldn’t have. The guy was never very good-looking to begin with, and his bizarre look as a child is what made him funny on the Disney sitcom. He is now 22 years old, but he looks like he might be 62. Not only is the guy 5’1″, he is bald and his weird boyish charm left long ago. And, incidentally enough, he is from Fresno! I told you everything in this article would tie together. I just hope to see Mr. Lawrence on television again, I miss good old Beans.

Steven_Anthony_Lawrence-1

Sorry for ranting for the past 900 words, but I had to get it out of my system. Lots of article are coming in the near future, including a “Year in Review” article and a “Top 5 worst draft picks of the last 5 years” article. Stay tuned. What else do Penthouse viewers want to hear about? I am tired of receiving little to no comments, so let your voices be heard.

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9 thoughts on “Back in Action!

  1. Give us some BCS bowl game previews! Also, I’m looking forward to the “Year in Review” article. It’s been another wild year of sports.

  2. I agree that the way Fresno played against SMU was a joke, but good for June Jones for getting a win in the state that he made a name for himself. And I also agree that Russel Wilson is a boss (RG3 Still deserves ROY honors though). But saying Andrew Luck is terrible is a stretch. Here’s a stat for you, Luck has been sacked 37 times this season, the most among rookie QB’s (the next highest is Russel Wilson with 26). The Colts running game is a joke, as it is every season, so they are forced to throw almost every play. Luck has broken SuperCam’s record for passing yards by a rookie QB so it is hard to say he is “terrible”. I also disagree with you that the Broncos are going to make it to the super bowl. Now, hear me out Max. While the Broncs are having a great season, They have had one of the easiest records in the NFL simply because of their joke of a division (sorry harley, the chargers are a mess) and the raiders and chiefs are horrendous. Im going to go on the record and say the Patriots are going to represent the AFC in New Orleans, and im going to go on a limb and say that the Niners are going to play against them. At the end of the season, the niners will make the rest of the teams in the NFL look like “Jive turkey gobblers” and win the big game. Their defense is just too good.

    • best comment ever right there. Now, the Broncos do play in a terrible division, but they have dominated the Ravens and Bengals (two playoff teams) on the road, just to name a few. Their three losses (New England, Houston, Atlanta) are arguably against the other three best teams in football, and all happened by week five, before Peyton got in the groove. As for the Niners, I agree that this last week does not reflect how good that team is. I think Green Bay is creeping in quietly, but they are easily beatable. And you should already know my opinions on “Matty Ice” and the Falcons

  3. Dude … Glad you’re back bro ! Missed you over the past 2 Wk.’s. Looking forward to some killer articles re. NFL, BCS, NBA, PGA, NHL, MMA, Etc … Hey, How about A.P.’s surgically repairer knee being on S.I.’s cover next month ?

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